Letters to our Daughter

From Daddy

The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

-Psalm 34:18

Dear Sweet Pea,

It’s very difficult to put into words what you have meant to me in these wonderful 5 months that you have been with us. On the night you were born, I felt something different in my heart. You see, we were told for several months that you wouldn’t make it outside of the womb. Or, that if you did, you wouldn’t make it but for a few hours or days. I will admit that during your labor, I was terrified. I did my best to hide it though because I needed to be strong for mommy. But on the inside I was trembling with fear. I didn’t want to believe what all the doctors and specialists had been telling us to expect of you. But I had that what if in the back of my head. I had no clue how to react if their expectations of you were to be accurate. But you came out screaming and breathing on your own, fighting for your life from the very beginning. I was so relieved. And that feeling in my heart was an immediate everlasting love for you.

I had no clue that feelings such as these could exist. You changed our lives for the better. I never thought someone so young would teach me more about myself in five months than I have learned in my 32 years. You showed me how to fight more. If you could keep going after everything your little body went through, then I sure can continue when times get hard and I feel like giving up. I’ve learned to be a little more patient, attentive and strong. To be Hayden Strong!

There is nothing more valuable to me than the time we spent together. Holding your precious little hands, snuggling up next to you while you laid on the floor and my favorite was holding you up on my shoulder while we napped together on the couch. I never could get enough kisses from you either. I promise I wasn’t trying to smother you, I just couldn’t help myself with those precious little chubby cheeks. Bed time wasn’t necessarily your favorite and you surely wouldn’t hesitate to let us know it. All night long! It’s ok though, I don’t look at it now as several sleepless nights. I prefer to see it as just that many more times I got to see you and hold you. And while all the time spent with you will never be enough, these moments mean more to me than anything ever could or will.

I’ll admit I was angry for a while. I was very upset that this had happened to a sweet innocent child. Why not me? Why couldn’t I have taken your place? I would have gladly. I would give anything to take your place still. But I know that all the pain you went through was never His intention. I know it hurts His heart just as much as ours. I know that you are in a much better place. A much deserved better place.

It was such a beautiful experience for us to hold you so tight in your final moments. You were at such peace. We know that you saw Jesus with all the smiles on your face. And with your final breaths, you gave out the most adorable sigh of relief. It was one of the most beautiful sounds your mommy and I have ever heard. You were finally pain free. While it was absolutely heartbreaking to see you go, I know that I will see you again. I know that there is the promise of eternal life. And that brings me such joy. I cannot wait until I get to see you again and squeeze you so tight. It will be the best day of my life. Ill strive to be the best man I can be for you and Mommy. I’ll live the rest of my life making sure that I make improvements every day. You deserve the absolute best and I will make sure that I am just that for you.

I’ll think about you every single day. And I’ll never forget how incredible this entire journey has been with you. You mean the world to us sweetheart. You always will.

And before I say goodbye, just one last thing…

I’ll see you every night in my dreams so that we can play. Make sure you smile and laugh every single day. We will always love you no matter how near or how far. You’re our angel, our darling, our star… and our love will find you wherever you are.

I love and miss you so much sweet pea!

Daddy

From Mommy

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without words and never stops at all.

-Emily Dickinson 

My Sweet Angel,

Do you know that you are loved and that you changed our world forever? Since the moment we were blessed with you in my tummy, your Daddy and I were over the moon and could not wait to meet you. We decorated your nursery, read you books, sang you songs, and anxiously awaited your arrival.  We were so ecstatic to take you to your ultrasound appointment so that Mommy and Daddy could get a picture of you. It was then when we found out that not only were we expecting a girl, but that you were unique and extra special with 47 chromosomes. We were told by the Doctors that you had Trisomy 13 and that you had an extra copy of your 13^th chromosome. Although the doctors gave us heartbreaking statistics and odds, we fought for you.  We knew God made you just the way he saw fit and perfect in every way. You were created perfectly in his hands, for a specific purpose, and we knew you would defy the odds stacked against you.

Since before you were born we knew you would be a miracle. Our hearts burst with love when we first got to see your face and hold you in our arms in such a tight embrace. You came kicking and screaming into this world, fierce and fighting from the start. They said you wouldn’t be breathing, they said you would be premature; they said you had a 10% chance of living, yet here you were making your presence known. Everyone that met you could not help but fall in love with you and admire your beauty. We all stood in awe at just how courageous you were. You were always surrounded by so many that loved you, visitors, friends, family, Doctors and nurses too.

You are the greatest gift we have ever received and the most beautiful thing that we ever did see. You got your bright red hair, tiny lips, and long fingers from me, and your beautiful long lashes and long legs from your Daddy, and I like to think you got your fight from us both.  We know this journey has been long and hard for you and we are so sorry sweetie that we could not take that away.  Please know that your Mommy and Daddy fought for you and would have given anything to trade places and take away the pain. And please know the Doctors and nurses did everything they could to help us fight the good fight and overcome any obstacles that came your way. I think they couldn’t help but fall in love with you too and for that we are truly grateful to them for their continuous loving care.

Heaven gained an angel on the day you left this world. Our hearts were broken that day when you went to be with Jesus in our arms. There are no words to describe when a parent loses their child. The hardest thing I ever had to do was to let you go and hand you to the man in the black suit at the hospital. We didn’t want to leave you sweetie but we knew you had already went to be with the Lord.  You see, your Daddy and I know that you are in a better place with no pain and no suffering, but that doesn’t make it any easier when we don’t have you to hold in our arms. There is not a day that goes by that we do not miss your smiling face and hear your sweet cry. My arms ache where you once were, my fingers still long for you to wrap your sweet little hands around them, and I would give anything for just one more kiss on your chubby little cheeks. But a moment will never pass without me thinking of you. You are in the light that shines from the heavens, you are in the song that the birds sing outside our window, and you are in the breeze that blows past me. 

Your Daddy and I are so incredibly proud of you. You are small but mighty, fragile but fierce, our love, our light, the center of our world and our little miracle. We are so incredibly blessed for each and every day that we were able to spend with you, but we wish we had more. Our faith is the only thing that gives us the sure hope of seeing you again, but still that hope does not take away the pain. You are so strong and you’re Daddy and I cling to hope that we will just have an ounce of your tenacity and strength to continue this journey. That is why when I look down and see the words Hayden Strong, I am reminded that I need to be strong like you.That is why I wear a bracelet around my wrist that reminds me that you made me a Mommy, and that is why your name and favorite verse is around my neck, close to my heart. Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I set you apart. Jeremiah 1:5

Hayden, your Daddy and I promise to always say your sweet name as it is music to our ears. We promise we will always be your greatest advocates, your fighters, and we will never stop spreading awareness and telling your story. We will continue to fight the good fight for you until our last dying breath, and oh how glorious that day will be when we get to see you again. So keep playing up there my sweet angel, dance and sing every day, make new friends, tell Jesus we love him, and when Mommy and Daddy come to see you, you can show us both around.  I cannot wait to see what color your eyes are and see that big smile across your face when we meet you at those pearly gates in Heaven. That is the moment now that I live for.

I love you my sweet angel, I will never stop loving you and it makes me smile to know that you already know that. You will forever be in my heart. Sleep well Hayden, Mommy loves you.