What to Say

Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.

-Psalm 31:9

I haven't written since Hayden left this world and gained her angel wings almost 5 months ago. I just couldn't pen the words of this unbearable pain with another moment missed, another day passed, and another month passing us by.   The hardest part of losing our daughter Hayden has been living everyday afterwards without her. Although we are surrounded by love, lifted up in faith, and hope, nobody will ever understand our journey and what Tim and I are feeling. You cannot understand what you do not know and a lot of advice that people say or give that they think might be helpful and comforting, actually causes us a great deal of pain. So if there was one thing that inspired me to write again, it was to pen these words to everyone of what to say to us and other parents that are grieving and have lost their precious loved ones.

What to Say
Written by Staci and Tim Brown

Don’t ask me how I’m doing because you already know,
My heart is broken in a million pieces and all the pain does is grow,
Don’t tell us we look great though it seems on the outside,
Because you don’t know all the emotions buried deep inside,
No we will never ever be okay, you don’t just simply move on,
Would you, if it was your sweet angel that left and was gone?

We don’t talk about the things we had to witness or the pain she had to endure,
Because those are dark and horrible times we keep deep hidden that’s for sure,
It is everyone’s greatest fear to lose the child they love,
For all you have now are just memories of your child up above.

Nobody wants to be on this journey or ever asks to be in this Club
Because it is full of sadness, heartbreak, and so painful to think of,
For we will never be the same as a piece of us is gone,
Please don’t ask us if we have thought about plans to move on,
Say you are in our prayers or we think of you each day
Because honestly that is the best thing that you can possibly say.

Grief never leaves, it resides in every breath we take,
It comes in the darkness at night and every moment we wake,
Some days it’s simply unbearable, some days we just can’t breathe,
But don’t just ignore it, forget about it or turn your back and leave.
Please share Hayden’s story and say her name every chance you get,
Because she is our sweetest memory and one we will never soon forget.

Please don’t feel sorry for us or have pity in your eyes,
Even though our world is shattered and it’s something we can’t disguise. 
This world and ours is not the place God intended it to be,
It’s full of sin, loss, heartache, pain, and suffering.
We yearn for the place much better than here,
And when that day comes, it’s a time we no longer fear.

For we know it is a world full of love, goodness, and light,
Filled with ones we love and miss; angels who have taken flight.
Oh how glorious the day will be when we see her smiling face,
And get the chance again to hold her in a loving embrace.
We cherish the memories we have made and miss her every day,
But we keep the faith, hold onto hope and wait for God to show us the way.

Letters to our Daughter

From Daddy

The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

-Psalm 34:18

Dear Sweet Pea,

It’s very difficult to put into words what you have meant to me in these wonderful 5 months that you have been with us. On the night you were born, I felt something different in my heart. You see, we were told for several months that you wouldn’t make it outside of the womb. Or, that if you did, you wouldn’t make it but for a few hours or days. I will admit that during your labor, I was terrified. I did my best to hide it though because I needed to be strong for mommy. But on the inside I was trembling with fear. I didn’t want to believe what all the doctors and specialists had been telling us to expect of you. But I had that what if in the back of my head. I had no clue how to react if their expectations of you were to be accurate. But you came out screaming and breathing on your own, fighting for your life from the very beginning. I was so relieved. And that feeling in my heart was an immediate everlasting love for you.

I had no clue that feelings such as these could exist. You changed our lives for the better. I never thought someone so young would teach me more about myself in five months than I have learned in my 32 years. You showed me how to fight more. If you could keep going after everything your little body went through, then I sure can continue when times get hard and I feel like giving up. I’ve learned to be a little more patient, attentive and strong. To be Hayden Strong!

There is nothing more valuable to me than the time we spent together. Holding your precious little hands, snuggling up next to you while you laid on the floor and my favorite was holding you up on my shoulder while we napped together on the couch. I never could get enough kisses from you either. I promise I wasn’t trying to smother you, I just couldn’t help myself with those precious little chubby cheeks. Bed time wasn’t necessarily your favorite and you surely wouldn’t hesitate to let us know it. All night long! It’s ok though, I don’t look at it now as several sleepless nights. I prefer to see it as just that many more times I got to see you and hold you. And while all the time spent with you will never be enough, these moments mean more to me than anything ever could or will.

I’ll admit I was angry for a while. I was very upset that this had happened to a sweet innocent child. Why not me? Why couldn’t I have taken your place? I would have gladly. I would give anything to take your place still. But I know that all the pain you went through was never His intention. I know it hurts His heart just as much as ours. I know that you are in a much better place. A much deserved better place.

It was such a beautiful experience for us to hold you so tight in your final moments. You were at such peace. We know that you saw Jesus with all the smiles on your face. And with your final breaths, you gave out the most adorable sigh of relief. It was one of the most beautiful sounds your mommy and I have ever heard. You were finally pain free. While it was absolutely heartbreaking to see you go, I know that I will see you again. I know that there is the promise of eternal life. And that brings me such joy. I cannot wait until I get to see you again and squeeze you so tight. It will be the best day of my life. Ill strive to be the best man I can be for you and Mommy. I’ll live the rest of my life making sure that I make improvements every day. You deserve the absolute best and I will make sure that I am just that for you.

I’ll think about you every single day. And I’ll never forget how incredible this entire journey has been with you. You mean the world to us sweetheart. You always will.

And before I say goodbye, just one last thing…

I’ll see you every night in my dreams so that we can play. Make sure you smile and laugh every single day. We will always love you no matter how near or how far. You’re our angel, our darling, our star… and our love will find you wherever you are.

I love and miss you so much sweet pea!

Daddy

From Mommy

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without words and never stops at all.

-Emily Dickinson 

My Sweet Angel,

Do you know that you are loved and that you changed our world forever? Since the moment we were blessed with you in my tummy, your Daddy and I were over the moon and could not wait to meet you. We decorated your nursery, read you books, sang you songs, and anxiously awaited your arrival.  We were so ecstatic to take you to your ultrasound appointment so that Mommy and Daddy could get a picture of you. It was then when we found out that not only were we expecting a girl, but that you were unique and extra special with 47 chromosomes. We were told by the Doctors that you had Trisomy 13 and that you had an extra copy of your 13^th chromosome. Although the doctors gave us heartbreaking statistics and odds, we fought for you.  We knew God made you just the way he saw fit and perfect in every way. You were created perfectly in his hands, for a specific purpose, and we knew you would defy the odds stacked against you.

Since before you were born we knew you would be a miracle. Our hearts burst with love when we first got to see your face and hold you in our arms in such a tight embrace. You came kicking and screaming into this world, fierce and fighting from the start. They said you wouldn’t be breathing, they said you would be premature; they said you had a 10% chance of living, yet here you were making your presence known. Everyone that met you could not help but fall in love with you and admire your beauty. We all stood in awe at just how courageous you were. You were always surrounded by so many that loved you, visitors, friends, family, Doctors and nurses too.

You are the greatest gift we have ever received and the most beautiful thing that we ever did see. You got your bright red hair, tiny lips, and long fingers from me, and your beautiful long lashes and long legs from your Daddy, and I like to think you got your fight from us both.  We know this journey has been long and hard for you and we are so sorry sweetie that we could not take that away.  Please know that your Mommy and Daddy fought for you and would have given anything to trade places and take away the pain. And please know the Doctors and nurses did everything they could to help us fight the good fight and overcome any obstacles that came your way. I think they couldn’t help but fall in love with you too and for that we are truly grateful to them for their continuous loving care.

Heaven gained an angel on the day you left this world. Our hearts were broken that day when you went to be with Jesus in our arms. There are no words to describe when a parent loses their child. The hardest thing I ever had to do was to let you go and hand you to the man in the black suit at the hospital. We didn’t want to leave you sweetie but we knew you had already went to be with the Lord.  You see, your Daddy and I know that you are in a better place with no pain and no suffering, but that doesn’t make it any easier when we don’t have you to hold in our arms. There is not a day that goes by that we do not miss your smiling face and hear your sweet cry. My arms ache where you once were, my fingers still long for you to wrap your sweet little hands around them, and I would give anything for just one more kiss on your chubby little cheeks. But a moment will never pass without me thinking of you. You are in the light that shines from the heavens, you are in the song that the birds sing outside our window, and you are in the breeze that blows past me. 

Your Daddy and I are so incredibly proud of you. You are small but mighty, fragile but fierce, our love, our light, the center of our world and our little miracle. We are so incredibly blessed for each and every day that we were able to spend with you, but we wish we had more. Our faith is the only thing that gives us the sure hope of seeing you again, but still that hope does not take away the pain. You are so strong and you’re Daddy and I cling to hope that we will just have an ounce of your tenacity and strength to continue this journey. That is why when I look down and see the words Hayden Strong, I am reminded that I need to be strong like you.That is why I wear a bracelet around my wrist that reminds me that you made me a Mommy, and that is why your name and favorite verse is around my neck, close to my heart. Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I set you apart. Jeremiah 1:5

Hayden, your Daddy and I promise to always say your sweet name as it is music to our ears. We promise we will always be your greatest advocates, your fighters, and we will never stop spreading awareness and telling your story. We will continue to fight the good fight for you until our last dying breath, and oh how glorious that day will be when we get to see you again. So keep playing up there my sweet angel, dance and sing every day, make new friends, tell Jesus we love him, and when Mommy and Daddy come to see you, you can show us both around.  I cannot wait to see what color your eyes are and see that big smile across your face when we meet you at those pearly gates in Heaven. That is the moment now that I live for.

I love you my sweet angel, I will never stop loving you and it makes me smile to know that you already know that. You will forever be in my heart. Sleep well Hayden, Mommy loves you.  

Hayden Strong

Our Precious Angel
January 4, 2017-March 31, 2017

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

-Romans 8:18

Heaven gained another angel as our precious little angel gained her wings and went to be with the Lord. There are no words to describe this unbelievable pain and heartbreak. Hayden was small but mighty, fragile but fierce, our light, our love, the center of our world, and our little miracle. She touched so many lives in the 5 months we were fortunate enough to witness. Tim and I are so incredibly blessed for each and everyday that we were able to spend with our precious angel and are unbelievably proud to be her parents. We find comfort that she is in no more pain and that one day we will see her again and we cling to hope that we have her tenacity and strength to continue this journey. Thank you for making us parents Hayden, Mama and Dada love you and you will forever be in our hearts.

Hayden Elizabeth Brown Obituary

Hayden Elizabeth Brown, beloved daughter of Tim and Staci Williams Brown, gained her angel wings, while in her parents' arms on Wednesday, May 31. Hayden was born on January 4, 2017 and diagnosed before birth with a rare chromosomal anomaly, Trisomy 13. Trisomy 13, or Patau Syndrome, refers to having the presence of an extra full copy of chromosome 13. Although the odds were stacked against her since birth, she defied the odds and touched the lives of so many people in the five months that we were blessed to witness. She was small but mighty, fragile but fierce, our light, our love, our entire world, and a true miracle.

Hayden is lovingly remembered by her parents, Tim and Staci Brown, maternal grandparents, Larry and Sharon Williams, paternal grandparents, Tom and Brenda Brown, and Patti Brown, great-grandparents, Talmadge and Helen Fuller, Mary Brown (DE) and Gladys Connolly, aunts and uncles, Jennifer and Austin Rawlings, Rebecca and David Weaver (TX), Laurie Brown, and Dani Brown.

A memorial service to celebrate Hayden's life will be held at 11 a.m. Monday, June 5, at Providence Baptist Church, 4921 Randolph Road, Charlotte, NC 28211. Visitation and receiving of friends will immediately follow the service. Our deepest gratitude is extended to the courageous doctors, nurses and staff of Levine Children's Hospital and Kid's Path who provided attentive, loving, and special care to our precious baby girl and all our supporters that joined us on this journey. In lieu of flowers, please consider donations in honor of Hayden to the Support Organization for Trisomy 13, 18, at http://www.trisomy.org or to Levine Children's Hospital, Carolinas HealthCare Foundation, Inc., PO Box 32861, Charlotte, NC 28232. Our sweet angel will forever be in our hearts.

On-line condolences may be left at www.heritagecares.com. Heritage Funeral Home - Weddington Chapel is assisting the family.

Hope for Hayden

Darkest of Days

Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.

-Psalm 31:9

As Trisomy parents we worry about what tomorrow will bring as tomorrow is never promised. You are grateful for each day God brings and each moment that you are able to spend with your child. We fear not if we will be back in the hospital but when and what will be the outcome of the next visit. With only one week of being back at home we had no idea this would be the outcome and we would be right back in the Pediatric ICU.

One of my worst fears came true as I had to call 911 and my daughter had to be rushed to the Emergency Room at Levine Children's Hospital. Throughout this journey we have had a lot of firsts but my first time calling 911 and riding in an ambulance I did not want to be one of them.  Hayden was having difficulty breathing as she was breathing heavily, had very low oxygen levels, and started to change color even with increased oxygen flow at home. 

Six days later we are still in the Pediatric ICU and Hayden is still fighting the good fight. She is showing us she is small but mighty, fragile but fierce, and that she is a true miracle at almost 5 months of age. We are so incredibly proud of her tenacity and strength and she is teaching Tim and I each day how to be strong and courageous just like her.  We lift our precious daughter up in prayer as we ask him to comfort us in his loving arms and give us strength to overcome. Amen.

Goodbye Hospital, Hello Home Sweet Home

Home with Hayden

Prayer: For blessings here and those in store, we give thanks now and evermore.

We are celebrating a new start to our journey as we are finally home from the hospital!  I could not imagine a more perfect belated Mother's Day present than bringing our precious baby girl home! Although Hayden is home with double the medical equipment, triple the medication, on oxygen, and with nursing assistance, we truly believe Hayden will continue to flourish.

Thank you to all of those who visited us, sent food or well wishes while in the hospital, and those that have prayed for us each day throughout this journey. We are so grateful to have you in our lives and witness the power of prayer. 

A special thank you to all of the courageous nurses and doctors in the PICU and Progressive Care that fought for our daughter Hayden. We truly will never be able to thank you enough and are thankful to have met you, known you, and grateful that God placed you in our path. You always say we hope not to see you again but you will forever be in our thoughts and prayers.

We know that we will be faced with new struggles and although it is overwhelming we hope to get Hayden settled in soon. We  are just beyond happy to say Hayden is finally home sweet home but we are anxious to put those 47 days in the hospital behind us and looking forward to brighter days ahead.   Hayden's journey does not stop here as this is just the beginning, a new chapter, and hopefully the start of her miracle that we all are fortunate enough just to witness.  

Hope for Hayden-Trisomy Strong, Small but Mighty, Fragile but Fierce

Happy Mother's Day

Hope for Hayden

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

-Jeremiah 29:11

These last few days I have struggled with writing another blog entry as each and everyday I have tried to write something  but failed. We have been told over and over by family members and visitors that coming to visit us they get a glimpse of what we endure each day but nobody will ever truly understand how hard these past 45 days have been for Hayden, Tim and I.  These past 6 weeks have been the hardest days of our lives filled with discouragement, despair,  anxiety, pain, anger, and loneliness. It has been a true struggle trying to find a balance of writing about our experience and being hopeful but also being honest. We believe that everyday is a blessing, we are thankful for the Good Lord's mercy and healing hand, and know that he will never give us more than we can handle, but some days we can't help but ask how much Lord do you think we can handle?  How much do we have to endure? Are we strong enough?


It has been 9 months since our world was rocked and we found out that not only were we having a daughter but that she also was diagnosed with Trisomy 13. We continue to strive and learn a little more each and every day about not only Hayden but Trisomy 13.  Many of the congenital malformations or birth defects associated with Trisomy 13 we have discovered Hayden does have as she has spent 2 months of her life so far in the hospital. But she continues to defy the odds at 4 months of age with approximately 80% of children diagnosed with Trisomy 13 pass away within their first month of life.  Hayden's courageous story has already touched so many lives and she continues to raise awareness for Trisomy 13 and show Tim and I how to believe and fight for each breath we are given.   

So as we celebrate Mother's Day, I cannot help but think about all of the fellow Mom's with children in the hospital. Being a Mom is the hardest job on Earth but being a Mom with a child in the hospital, a special needs child, or a child with Trisomy, you have no idea the depth of your strength, tenacity, and resourcefulness.   You see things you never could imagine. You treasure things most wouldn't think twice about. You don't think a milestone is just a milestone, it is a miracle. You become a nurse, an advocate, an educator, a specialist, a therapist, and most of all a Mom to your wonderful miracle and child fighting for their life.

I will be honest it is very difficult to write this and know that I will be celebrating my first Mother's Day with my daughter in the hospital. You think of Mother's Day as a day to celebrate, a day filled with joy and brunch plans.  So although it is not how I envisioned, I want to celebrate all the amazing Moms out there.  Thank you to my amazing Mother for her selflessness, strength, support, and love. It is because of you and Dad that I understand what love truly means. Thank you to all the other Moms who have banded together to show Hayden, Tim, and I what it truly means to be a Mother, Grandmother and Mother-in-Law. And thank you Hayden for showing me how to fight, how to be your advocate, and most importantly letting me experience for the first time what it means to be a Mom.  Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms and we love you more than you ever will know!

Hayden Progressive Care Update

Slow and Steady

Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief.

-Psalm 143:1

As we approach almost one month of Hayden being in the hospital it is very difficult not to feel discouraged. It is hard to fathom that 7 weeks of Hayden's 16 week old time spent on this Earth has been in the confines of Levine Children's Hospital. Tim and I have faced a whirlwind of emotions from sadness and despair to anger and discouragement to relief and hope. Life in the hospital has not been easy nor is it ever going to get any easier.  Days are spent in the confines of Hayden's hospital room full of updates and visits from her therapists, specialists, and physicians while nights are filled with little sleep, lots of crying, and constant noise and alarms. Although we remain uplifted and positive it has always been challenging and continues to be the most challenging days throughout this entire journey.

Since our arrival last Monday to Progressive Care, Hayden's progress has been slow and at times it seems as though we are moving backwards.  She left the ICU on high flow oxygen but since our arrival her oxygen levels have increased to 50% and 4 liters when they should be decreasing.  Our main goal has been to wean her diuretics, sedatives, medications, and oxygen to a place that we feel comfortable she is ready to come home. But since our arrival her oxygen levels have increased instead of decreased, diuretics have decreased, but her sedatives and medications are right back when we first began the wean (if not more) in the PICU. 

We know this journey is going to be a long one and we have to take it slow and steady but when does discouragement turn into losing hope? We are surrounded by children who face the same outlook as Hayden and unfortunately there are a few that have lived most of their lives in the hospital. We have heard the moans and cries of Hayden's neighbors, seen the despair in other's faces, and watched as other parents have experienced loss.   With a foreseeable end not in sight, it is hard not to let our discouragement and despair turn into losing hope.  

For me the hope is in knowing that we are surrounded by so much support, love, and hope from friends, family, churches, neighbors, and friends of friends that share our story.  It is knowing that Hayden's story has already touched so many lives and continues to raise awareness for Trisomy 13.  It is knowing that these trials that Tim and I are facing in our lives right now were never God's original intent. Our lives and Hayden's life was never intended to be full of discomfort, discouragement or any pain and suffering. So we must persist in prayer and continue to hope because that is all there is to do.

We graciously ask those who are out there that continue to pray for us and Hayden each and everyday to pray for the Lord to help ease Hayden's pain and discomfort, help Tim and I not to be discouraged, and help guide our Physician and Nurses to find the right answers for treatment for our daughter. We may feel lost now but we know that God will help mend and restore our brokenness. For Hayden this is not her final destination, it is just the beginning of her story, and at the end of the day I am just an activist, fighter for Trisomy awareness, and proud Mother to the most unbelievably remarkable precious little miracle.

Easter Update

Give Thanks to the Lord for he is Good

But God demonstrated his own love for us in this; while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. -Romans 5:8

Amazing does not even begin to describe the progress Hayden has had over the past two days.  I think everyone here has finally realized that she is special and unique and ultimately the one in control. Hayden no longer has a fever, her blot clot has resolved, new blood, urine and lung cultures are all coming back negative, glucose and hemoglobin levels are great, and she weighed in at 11 lbs 2 oz. We are so overwhelmed with joy of her progress and the power of prayer!

Yesterday for the first time in 11 days, Tim and I both were able to finally hold Hayden in our arms again. She was intubated, on a ventilator, and sedated for 11 days in addition to the other two following surgery.  Hayden was extubated on Wednesday and we all held our breath as we watched as she began to breath without the ventilator. She is still on high flow oxygen with a cannula in her nose but has taken huge strides and continues to defy the odds. She has overcome each and every obstacle thrown her way including a blood transfusion from low hemoglobin, finding another blood clot in her neck from her central line, and testing positive for a bacterial rod infection in her bronch culture. 

Although it's Day 18 of being in the PICU and we have several more days and obstacles ahead of us, we still are celebrating this Easter Sunday as proud parents of our little fighter! We have been blessed with the most amazing Team of Physicians, Specialists, Therapists and Nurses during this journey. They have made such a negative experience that much more positive, made our days a little brighter, and have made us feel at home. Which, technically it has been our home these past few weeks.

Today we have begun to discuss Hayden's progress and possibly moving to another floor out of the Intensive Care Unit and into Progressive Care. A week ago Tim and I never thought that would be possible but now we are one step closer to taking our sweet little angel home again.  So this Easter as we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ, we also are celebrating the amazing acts of kindness, compassion, and love that he has demonstrated to not only Hayden but to us all. His love endures forever and we are so blessed to witness this miracle.

A special thank you to all of those who donate to Levine Children's hospital as all the kids in the PICU today were brought these Easter baskets just to help brighten their day. Even in the hospital, the Easter Bunny came to visit. Happy Easter!

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. -1 Peter 1:3

Hospital Update on Hayden

She is Small but Mighty, She is Fierce

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Deuteronomy 31:8

Last Wednesday when Hayden turned 12 weeks old, she was admitted to Levine Children's Hospital for surgery to have a G-tube placed in her stomach and her omphalocele removed.  Tim and I were hoping that this surgery would help get her the proper nutrition she needed and minimize her pain. But we realized last week just how fragile our little girl is, as what should have been a routine surgery has turned into our biggest fear.

Our day was not off to a great start when we arrived at Levine Children's Hospital to find that her room was not yet available and then arriving in her room to find no crib, bed, chair or feeding pump. The room was completely empty and nobody was ready for our arrival. That night before her surgery Hayden started spitting up and vomiting all of her feeds and became very irritable with a slight fever. After discontinuing her feeds, several lab orders were placed for bloodwork as well as to start an IV for fluids so she would not become dehydrated. I watched my fragile baby girl get poked 12 times in one day for blood work.  It took 6 nurses to get an IV placed (as she is a hard stick) and later to find out that some of her blood work was "misplaced and lost" by one of the lab technicians.   When the lab technician came to retrieve more bloodwork (that had already been done)  I completely lost my patience. How could such a small fragile child be stuck with a needle with no pain medicine or numbing 12 times?  Was that really necessary and why did my daughter have to suffer from someone's mistake?  Finally after not being fed for 6 hours we started an IV.  I thought nothing could be worse than this night but little did I know it was just the start of many in the hospital.  

After a long night with little sleep we awoke to discuss with her Pediatric Surgeon what could possibly be causing her vomiting and discuss possible scenarios. After an upper GI X-ray we realized that she had a malrotation in her upper GI tract that could have been causing some of her reflux and vomiting.  The upper GI x-ray also showed that Hayden had an enlarged liver and descended appendix that seemed to separate her large and small intestines. So what should have been routine turned into a discussion with her Pediatric Surgeon on what procedure we may have to proceed with for surgery as a G-tube was now off the table.

Hayden's surgery continued to get pushed back throughout the day with her continued complications as it was originally scheduled for Thursday at 11 am and she did not go into the operation room until 4:30 p.m. At the time she had not had any feeds since 8 pm the night before. Tim and I were both on edge as at that time we did not know what procedure would take place in the OR as it may change depending on what they saw once in surgery.  Fortunately, he did not have to make an incision and open her up as her intestines seemed to function properly and showed no signs of being blocked or coiled. Hayden ended up having a GJ tube placed instead of a G-tube due to her severe reflux. A GJ tube is a feeding tube with two ports, where one is in her stomach and the other the small intestine. She also had her omphalocele removed with little to no trouble. Because she had been sick and they had a difficult time intubating her and starting a Central IV line, she was sent to the Pediatric ICU.

Since we have arrived in the PICU it has been one obstacle after another.  Hayden was extubated on Saturday and did remarkably well on the high flow oxygen until Sunday night. Hayden has these "episodes or fits" as I call it where she gets worked up and holds her breath causing her heart rate and sats or oxygen saturations to drop. After having episodes all day Tim and I finally went to sleep at the hospital around 2:00 a.m. At 4:30 a.m. we get a knock on the door down the hall from her room from the nurse saying you need to come quick your daughter is having trouble breathing. We ran into her room to find her room filled with nurses, residents, doctors, and almost the entire PICU floor. Her heart rate had dropped in the 30s and her sats dropped to 2. They were bagging her when we walked in or manually ventilating her with oxygen and the Attending Physician told us that she would have to intubated again. We watched for thirty minutes as our daughter was getting oxygen as we waited for the anesthesologists to arrive to intubate her. Due to her underdeveloped chin and jaw and very small airway she is very difficult to intubate so 3 anesthesologists came down to intubate. We watched from the window of her room as we saw our daughter fail to get intubated the first time and once again have her heart rate drop below 40 and sats plumment. I hope other parents never have to experience this seeing their child turn blue and lose all life in their limbs as they struggle to fight to stay alive. Although it was BY Far the worst moment of my life, we were fortunate enough to have the best Staff in the world there explaining to us what was happening and fighting to keep our daughter alive. Hayden was intubated successfully on the second try thanks to 3 anesthesologists and our amazing team of PICU nurses and Physicians. We have been so blessed with the level of care the PICU Staff has provided for our daughter and the compassion and patience they have had with us as parents.

As I write this today Hayden is still intubated but on lowered 30% oxygen at a rate of 12. With the help of breathing trials, we are striving to get her extubated and off oxygen. But since Sunday she has had multiple obstacles that continue to try to bring her down and push her back including pulmonary hypertension, a blood clot found in her right leg, a fever of 102.7, an inflamed central IV line (which was taken out along with her IV line in her foot and head), low hemoglobin and glucose levels, over 1.5 liters of fluid on her little body and bacterial rods found on her BAL culture from her lungs and breathing tube.  

Hayden has spent 1 month of her 3 months of life in the hospital and still continues to fight in the Pediatric ICU for over a week now. It has been the hardest challenge to overcome yet, trying to understand why our precious little daughter is being put through so much pain? How much can a child endure? I know she is a fighter and she is fierce but how long should we expect her to fight? Everyday we continue to pray and hope that she will get better yet the next day a new obstacle presents itself that she has to overcome and it is so discouraging. I have yet to leave the hospital for a week now as it is impossible for me to leave Hayden's side. I pray every night that God eases her pain and if I could I would gladly take that pain from her.

Tim and I pray that she chooses to continue the fight but it is heartbreaking to see her in so much pain and having to fight this fight on her own. For us we are just two parents so unbelievably proud and blessed to experience 3 wonderful months so far with our little angel. Everyday she continues to amaze us and overwhelm us with love.  She is small but mighty, she is fierce, she is our light, our love, the center of our world, and our little miracle. We are truly thankful for each and everyday she gives us and she continues to inspire us with her tenacity and strength. Thank you to all of our friends, family, supporters, believers, and prayer warriors that have helped uplift and encourage us through this journey. We appreciate your support, positive thoughts, and prayers and continue to ask for prayers and strength for us and the PICU Doctors and Team watching over Hayden as each day continues to be a battle and one that we pray we will win and overcome.

Hayden Update

God Helps the Helpless    

God gives grace (favor and blessing) to the humble.

-1 Peter 5:5

 

Last Wednesday was a tough day to say the least. Not only did Hayden get three shots at her two month checkup but she also went to visit her Pediatric Surgeon. So to say it was a long exhausting day is an understatement. Most babies tend to cry and get fussy at night and into the evening hours or when they are tired, hungry, or need to be changed.  Hayden is not "most babies." She tends to cry in pain at all hours, sometimes every hour and a half  and it is very difficult at times to figure out why. Not only is she not getting any sleep at 10 weeks but we aren't either. It seems like sleep is so far in the distant future and it is heartbreaking to see your child in pain and not able to figure out how to ease her pain, and make it all better.


Not only have we consulted numerous Specialists but we recently consulted her Gastrointestinal Doctor to figure out the problem. We have switched her supplemented formula, switched mom to a dairy-free and soy-free diet (which by the way is absolutely miserable), increased her feeds, and increased her antibiotics and medicines. Now we are just trying to figure out the process of elimination and take it day by day.

Last week we also took Hayden to see her Pediatric Surgeon and after consulting with him and her Gastrointestinal Doctor they both recommended scheduling Hayden for surgery to insert a Gastrostomy Tube or G-Tube. Right now Hayden has an NG tube and is fed on a pump over the course of an hour every three hours. She is constantly pulling her NG tube out during feeds, coughing, choking, and it seems to always irritate her throat (and Mom and Dad are both tired of putting it back in). With the G-tube surgery a tube would be inserted directly through her abdomen into her stomach. Although she will have to be readmitted to the hospital,we are hoping this will help her receive proper nutrition and ease her pain.


Tim and I have gone back and forth in our decision regarding Hayden's surgery as she will be put under anesthesia and admitted back to Levine Children's Hospital for at least two days.  She will be monitored one day prior to the surgery and at least one day following depending on her stats and how she does coming off anesthesia.  Most of this time will be spent learning how to care for Hayden with cleaning the area so that it does not get infected or clogged and learning how to insert the tube if it falls out of place. We are still waiting for her abdominal and pelvic ultrasound and to hear if she has been cleared by her Cardiologist for surgery, but have officially scheduled her surgery for March 30th. At this same time we plan on having her omphalocele removed as well.

We truly hope this will make a difference and continue to ask for prayers and guidance for our daughter.   I believe it takes faith to get through anything in life especially the low days when you think I am never going to get through this. If it were not for our faith and the love and support we have received, Tim and I would not be able to get through this last week or these past few months. God does not help those who help themselves but rather helps those who cannot help themselves. He helps the helpless, those who believe, and those who are dependent upon him and his word. All we can do now is believe that he will help our precious daughter and pray that Tim and I  are making the right decision for Hayden.