From Daddy
The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
-Psalm 34:18
Dear Sweet Pea,
It’s very difficult to put into words what you have
meant to me in these wonderful 5 months that you have been with us. On the
night you were born, I felt something different in my heart. You see, we were
told for several months that you wouldn’t make it outside of the womb. Or, that
if you did, you wouldn’t make it but for a few hours or days. I will admit that
during your labor, I was terrified. I did my best to hide it though because I
needed to be strong for mommy. But on the inside I was trembling with fear. I
didn’t want to believe what all the doctors and specialists had been telling us
to expect of you. But I had that what if in the back of my head. I had no clue
how to react if their expectations of you were to be accurate. But you came out
screaming and breathing on your own, fighting for your life from the very
beginning. I was so relieved. And that feeling in my heart was an immediate
everlasting love for you.
I had no clue that feelings such as these could
exist. You changed our lives for the better. I never thought someone so young
would teach me more about myself in five months than I have learned in my 32
years. You showed me how to fight more. If you could keep going after
everything your little body went through, then I sure can continue when times
get hard and I feel like giving up. I’ve learned to be a little more patient, attentive
and strong. To be Hayden Strong!
There is nothing more valuable to me than the time
we spent together. Holding your precious little hands, snuggling up next to you
while you laid on the floor and my favorite was holding you up on my shoulder
while we napped together on the couch. I never could get enough kisses from you
either. I promise I wasn’t trying to smother you, I just couldn’t help myself
with those precious little chubby cheeks. Bed time wasn’t necessarily your
favorite and you surely wouldn’t hesitate to let us know it. All night long! It’s
ok though, I don’t look at it now as several sleepless nights. I prefer to see
it as just that many more times I got to see you and hold you. And while all
the time spent with you will never be enough, these moments mean more to me
than anything ever could or will.
I’ll admit I was angry for a while. I was very upset
that this had happened to a sweet innocent child. Why not me? Why couldn’t I
have taken your place? I would have gladly. I would give anything to take your
place still. But I know that all the pain you went through was never His
intention. I know it hurts His heart just as much as ours. I know that you are
in a much better place. A much deserved better place.
It was such a beautiful experience for us to hold
you so tight in your final moments. You were at such peace. We know that you
saw Jesus with all the smiles on your face. And with your final breaths, you
gave out the most adorable sigh of relief. It was one of the most beautiful
sounds your mommy and I have ever heard. You were finally pain free. While it
was absolutely heartbreaking to see you go, I know that I will see you again. I
know that there is the promise of eternal life. And that brings me such joy. I
cannot wait until I get to see you again and squeeze you so tight. It will be
the best day of my life. Ill strive to be the best man I can be for you and
Mommy. I’ll live the rest of my life making sure that I make improvements every
day. You deserve the absolute best and I will make sure that I am just that for
you.
I’ll think about you every single day. And I’ll
never forget how incredible this entire journey has been with you. You mean the
world to us sweetheart. You always will.
And before I say goodbye, just one last thing…
I’ll see you every night in my dreams so that we can
play. Make sure you smile and laugh every single day. We will always love you
no matter how near or how far. You’re our angel, our darling, our star… and our
love will find you wherever you are.
I love and miss you so much sweet pea!
Daddy
From Mommy
Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without words and never stops at all.
-Emily Dickinson
My Sweet Angel,
Do you know that you are loved and that you changed
our world forever? Since the moment we were blessed with you in my tummy, your Daddy
and I were over the moon and could not wait to meet you. We decorated your
nursery, read you books, sang you songs, and anxiously awaited your
arrival. We were so ecstatic to take you
to your ultrasound appointment so that Mommy and Daddy could get a picture of
you. It was then when we found out that not only were we expecting a girl, but that
you were unique and extra special with 47 chromosomes. We were told by the
Doctors that you had Trisomy 13 and that you had an extra copy of your 13th
chromosome. Although the doctors gave us heartbreaking statistics and odds, we
fought for you. We knew God made you
just the way he saw fit and perfect in every way. You were created perfectly in
his hands, for a specific purpose, and we knew you would defy the odds stacked
against you.
Since before you were born we knew you would be a
miracle. Our hearts burst with love when we first got to see your face and hold
you in our arms in such a tight embrace. You came kicking and screaming into
this world, fierce and fighting from the start. They said you wouldn’t be
breathing, they said you would be premature; they said you had a 10% chance of
living, yet here you were making your presence known. Everyone that met you
could not help but fall in love with you and admire your beauty. We all stood in
awe at just how courageous you were. You were always surrounded by so many that
loved you, visitors, friends, family, Doctors and nurses too.
You are the greatest gift we have ever received and
the most beautiful thing that we ever did see. You got your bright red hair,
tiny lips, and long fingers from me, and your beautiful long lashes and long
legs from your Daddy, and I like to think you got your fight from us both. We know this journey has been long and hard for
you and we are so sorry sweetie that we could not take that away. Please know that your Mommy and Daddy fought
for you and would have given anything to trade places and take away the pain. And
please know the Doctors and nurses did everything they could to help us fight
the good fight and overcome any obstacles that came your way. I think they
couldn’t help but fall in love with you too and for that we are truly grateful
to them for their continuous loving care.
Heaven gained an angel on the day you left this
world. Our hearts were broken that day when you went to be with Jesus in our
arms. There are no words to describe when a parent loses their child. The
hardest thing I ever had to do was to let you go and hand you to the man in the
black suit at the hospital. We didn’t want to leave you sweetie but we knew you
had already went to be with the Lord.
You see, your Daddy and I know that you are in a better place with no
pain and no suffering, but that doesn’t make it any easier when we don’t have
you to hold in our arms. There is not a day that goes by that we do not miss
your smiling face and hear your sweet cry. My arms ache where you once were, my
fingers still long for you to wrap your sweet little hands around them, and I
would give anything for just one more kiss on your chubby little cheeks. But a
moment will never pass without me thinking of you. You are in the light that
shines from the heavens, you are in the song that the birds sing outside our
window, and you are in the breeze that blows past me.
Your Daddy and I are so incredibly proud of you. You
are small but mighty, fragile but fierce, our love, our light, the center of
our world and our little miracle. We are so incredibly blessed for each and
every day that we were able to spend with you, but we wish we had more. Our
faith is the only thing that gives us the sure hope of seeing you again, but
still that hope does not take away the pain. You are so strong and you’re Daddy
and I cling to hope that we will just have an ounce of your tenacity and
strength to continue this journey. That is why when I look down and see the
words Hayden Strong, I am reminded that I need to be strong like you.That is
why I wear a bracelet around my wrist that reminds me that you made me a Mommy,
and that is why your name and favorite verse is around my neck, close to my
heart. Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I set
you apart. Jeremiah 1:5
Hayden, your Daddy and I promise to always say your
sweet name as it is music to our ears. We promise we will always be your
greatest advocates, your fighters, and we will never stop spreading awareness
and telling your story. We will continue to fight the good fight for you until
our last dying breath, and oh how glorious that day will be when we get to see
you again. So keep playing up there my sweet angel, dance and sing every day, make
new friends, tell Jesus we love him, and when Mommy and Daddy come to see you,
you can show us both around. I cannot
wait to see what color your eyes are and see that big smile across your face
when we meet you at those pearly gates in Heaven. That is the moment now that I
live for.
I love you my sweet angel, I will never stop loving
you and it makes me smile to know that you already know that. You will forever
be in my heart. Sleep well Hayden, Mommy loves you.
